yeba!

untitled
by julie

I guess, of all the things I could have said to you, there's one thing that I never got around to say.

I love you.

What can I do? I'm scared. So sue me. Of course I'm afraid of rejection, of having to go through the same thing all over again. The first and last time a man said no to me was when he refused to forgive me and rebuild our relationship. It was a real wake up call for me. I thought I could always get my way, but when he held on to his pride and shut his heart to me, I realized that I was losing the game I was playing. I thought I could make him come back; but he did a great job of reminding me that he can hold on to his pride more foolishly than I can.

I'm scared. I'm scared because I know that you love her still. What can I expect? You've known her all your life, and I can understand how you felt when she cheated on you. Really, I try to understand how you felt back then, and how you feel right now, knowing that she belongs to somebody else. Hell; I even try to understand why she did it to you. Sometimes, unbidden images flash in my mind's eye - I'd see the two of you and the past you shared. And that is enough to push me back into my shell, because I know that I could never stand a chance against her. It's her you love. And it was never me.

I'm scared. I am because I never knew how you felt for me. Sure; we used to have a mutual understanding, but then you decided that we'd be better off as friends. What hurts me is that I never knew if you ever considered me a friend at all. Sometimes you would do the most hurtful things by being so damn insensitive; but then later in the week you'd do something nice to remind me of what a good person you are. You almost led me to believe that you cared for me; that you care for me more than you should.

And I never told you how much I loved you because I was afraid to risk it again.

I've been so darn hurt before, by the first man I've ever really loved. And you know it. When I look at you and see you grinning like a child at Christmas, I feel like climbing the highest rappelling tower there is and jump from it fearlessly - no ropes, no snaplink, no system. To jump and feel that exhilaration of freedom and adrenaline again. But when you start to say how much you love her, I choke back my tears and rein in my pride. How can I let you know when all you do is remind me that you love her, and that's it? How can I lay down my cards when you've blinded my eyes with fear and hesitation?

I never told you how much I loved you because I still carried that stigmata of regret and longing with me. And I suppose, I had too much pride to admit my 'feelings'. Not to mention the baggage I incurred from my last so-called relationship. My emotional baggage is almost as heavy as I am. And like me, you also have your own baggage to contend with. Damn, we probably first bumped into each other when we were trying to leave our baggage at the baggage counter. I wonder what happened. I'm still lugging it around like some bloody trophy today.

Damn. I've probably told you all the things a girl could say - all the insults, all the praises, criticisms, advice, problems, insights. We even quarrel a lot but it never took long for us to patch things up. But every time I see you, every time I hear your voice, every time you smile - God, even though my chest constricts with so much pain, tears fall from my eyes as I whisper to myself - damn, I never thought I'd love a person like this, again.

You would never know how much I loved, and love you.

You know why?

Because you won't let me in and show you.