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this is not a love story
by anonymous

site administrator's disclaimer: as much as i would want to take credit for this work, it's not mine. anonymity granted upon writer's request.

==

As heavy as a rock.

I tried to lift my head and the smell of grass pervaded my nostrils. A dark abyss filled my mind. What the hell happened? I said to myself. I don't remember putting grass on my bed last night.

Then the smell of grass was replaced by the smell of a man's morning breath.

"Wake up, sunshine," a voice said in my face.

Wow, I thought. That voice must have come from the inner core of the earth.

I blink and try to adjust my vision to the glaring yellow light. What is this thing? I wondered. This light is enough to blind me for an hour or so.

"Hey, would you mind turning off the lights?"

Then a strong mouth was on mine and whispered into me:

"Nasa araw tayo, gago."

* * *

My body ached all over, yet it was a good kind of ache. The kind of ache that you get after a workout. The kind that reminds you that you are strong, kicking and alive,

Then I get a stinging ache.

Aray, I said to myself. I squish an ant that bit me on the arm and brush away the grass all over my shirt, slacks and hair. I reach into my Hanes to see if there were any ants crawling, but all I found was a piece of rubber stuck in my Hanes. I pull it away and put it in my pocket. I'll show it to her later, I told myself. She'll get a good laugh.

As if by impulse, I stare at the girl sleeping beside me on the grass. I've always thought girls looked great with make-up, but this girl was different. I mean, I always see her in the hallways at school, and she didn't look that drop dead gorgeous or anything. Her body was OK, her butt was perky, her boobs round. Shoulder-length hair, brown skin. Ordinary features. I didn't feel attracted to her because I was busy humping my campus-bitch-of-an-ex-girlfriend. I stopped humping my ex because I found out that she was being humped by her best friend. Her best friend was a former beauty contestant.

Anyway. We were seatmates, though. I found out that she never had a boyfriend, but she had lots of guy friends. Maybe that was the thing that drew me to her. She knew guys. She didn't mind if I dragged her into the mens' locker room to watch me and my guys burp out beer and gin. She knew how to give me space whenever me and my ex had a fight over her lesbian-best-friend-lover. She put up with my signs of lust disguised as affection.

And she didn't turn me down when I asked her out last night.

* * *

I opened my eyes to see his mouth on mine and the sun glaring at me from behind him. I was about to push him away when my arms weakened. This isn't so bad, I told myself. I relaxed and kissed him back with all the passion I had left.

Passion?!

My mind went black and images whizzed by. He picked me up at home, we went to this cozy Japanese restaurant, then we went straight to a club known for its free-flowing beer on Saturday nights. And then, at 1 in the morning, I was so pooped but I told him to drive back to campus. He did. We sat on the grass, ranting out drunken stuff. And then I found myself on top of him, doing things I only imagined in my dreams.

What in the world are you doing?! My mind screamed at me. This wasn't planned. Besides, he's not even yours to begin with!

Hell, who cares, my body answered. I was drunk and busy fumbling with the zipper of his pants.

My head felt so lightheaded and I gave up.

* * *

I had no idea she was good in bed as she was good in class. I mean, I never knew she could be the first girl to tell me, "Hump me like hell." I only knew her as a friend. I only liked her as a friend.

But sometimes I couldn't seem to control myself in class. I'd gaze at her even though she's just beside me and I knew she would slap me if she knew I was staring. But I'd gaze at her and enjoy it. I'd stare at her fingers drumming my arm, her hair falling all over her face, her lips pouted so sexily I wanted to kiss her on the spot. And her perfume was so addicting that for a while I used Tommy Girl to remind me of her scent wherever I go.

I only knew her as a friend. I only liked her as a friend.

I asked her out because I wanted to make my ex jealous. The last time I talked to my ex, she was still with her lesbian lover who happened to be her best friend. Back then I thought that I should be jealous of the guys asking her out. Then I realized I should be more wary of beautiful women giving my ex significant looks. Damn.

But that night, when I asked her out, it was as if my ex didn't exist. I watched in fascination as she shoved food in her mouth, gesturing and talking all at the same time. Normally I would have hated girls who were good at pigging out, but on her it looked quite good. Natural, in fact. She was game for everything, even though she hated dancing the night away. She did love to drink though; in fact she told me once that she got caught drinking on campus way back in high school. We held a vodka drinking contest at the bar. She won.

I only knew her as a friend. I only liked her as a friend.

I drove back on campus because she told me to. And I didn't stop her when she clambered on top of me and kissed me. I was powerless to. If we have sex, so what? She'd understand. She was one of the guys.

At first I was wondering if she'd undress me like they do in the movies. We would itch like hell because of the grass if we did it buttnaked. Good thing we were clothed when we did it, although I got to caress her skin and she ran her hands up my chest (underneath my shirt, of course). We sweated like crazy and as she was about to say something, I kissed her. For the very first time.

* * *

"So how was your sleep? Thinking of me?" he asked me as he picked the grass from my hair.

"Not bad," I replied, while grasping myself if I was wearing any clothes.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a rubber tube. It was the condom that I gave him on the night of the school fair. I thought it was a big joke to give him a banana flavored condom.

I suddenly remembered the taste of banana and menthol in my mouth. As if I had something in my mouth that tasted like a banana.

"I knew you would laugh when I'd show you this," he guffawed. "I found it stuck in my Hanes. I thought I took it out last night after we did it."

Something warm stung my eyes. His face was so smiling, so open. It was his face whenever he would whisper into my ear at class, trying to get me aroused. It was his face when I caught him burping out a Britney Spears song with his teammates. It was his face whenever he reached over to brush my ass with his palm but I'd pretend to fart.

His face, telling me that last night was just for fun.

* * *

I didn't know why I kissed her then. Maybe because I didn't want to hear what she had to say. Or maybe because at that moment, I felt like her lips were made for mine. Or maybe because it was the natural thing to do after having sex with someone you treat as your best friend.

I showed her the banana flavored condom we used. She gave it to me some two months ago as a joke. I expected her to laugh out loud, but she didn't. Which was strange. I really thought she'd laugh. But she just told me to take her home.

That Sunday morning was a perfect drive home. Sunny, with no cars on the road. I suggested catching the morning Mass first, but she jerked her head away from me and whispered no. I didn't pay much attention to her; maybe she was just tired or something. After all, that was some humping we did on the grass. And some four rounds, too.

"What happens now?"

I thought I heard her wrong.

"Huh?"

"I said, what happens now?"

I scratched my head, then my balls. Some grass was apparently left inside my pants. What happens now? What kind of question is that?

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I spent the night with you doing Lord knows what. There's got to be something after that."

I steer the car into the inner lane. "Oh, come on. Why are you thinking about these things? Nothing will change. We're still buddies, right? Fuckbuddies, remember? Boy, that was some kiss. Where did you learn to do that? And I never knew you knew how to make…"

"So you fucked me because you felt like it? Not because you felt anything for me?"

I looked at her sideways and shrugged. "No. Am I supposed to?"

I heard her sniffle as she said, "No, but I thought you did after you kissed me last night."

That kiss. That kiss which made me wonder why I did it. Was it out of lust, of obligation, or of love?

I squinted to keep the sun out of my eyes as I waited for the traffic light to turn green. "Look, I'm sorry if I made you feel cheap, but it's how I feel. This is how I am."

The last word I heard before she stepped out of my car was, "That's why I'm leaving."

* * *

That's why I'm leaving.

No sense in being fooled by someone who made me believe in love for one night.

* * *

This is how I am.

That's what I told her.

But I never told her that that kiss convinced me that I loved her for who she was.