November 15, 2001

   Di ko maiwasang di maalala ang Carillon.

    Lahat ng jeep na sakyan, laging hinahagip. Kaya kahit konting silip lang, basta... lagi ko siyang naaalala.

    Tanong nga ng Comm II prof ko, if she would give me a one- or two-paged assignment to write about anything under the sun, ano raw ba ung topic ko? Sa isip ko, I wanted to tell her - there's always the memories to remember and write about... but then again, it was 7am, i didn't really want to start things with myself. Magtutuluy-tuloy kasi yan hanggang hapon... hanggang gabi.

    Sa isip ko - I could always write about the Carillon Tower. I could always write about the memories. Ah shit, akala ko ba it's time to let go of first sem... ay oo nga pala, di nga pala ako marunong lumimot...

    Tapos yung gagawin ko, doon ko isusulat ung assignment - dun mismo, sa tabi nung posteng may pillar na sira... ung akala ko dati eh basurahan... i'll be staring at the fountain whenever I'm left without anything to write...

    Naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi ni John - kung wala kayong kasama, punta kayo Carillon, tapos i-imagine nyo na lang na andun kami... tayo... and we'll be there... we'll be there with you...

   Uupo ako dun, at pipikit - aalalahanin ko yung mga times na nagpractice tayo para sa Kas II, at pagdilat ko makikita ko sina Kat, sina Jobert na sumasayaw... i'll see Tet surrounded by goons pretending to be shamans... i'll see yen and her bading dance steps... i'll see julie slap venus, kleng lighting another cigarette, lawrence smiling...  (that is, aside from the other things i "see"... but i really did not wish to remember, not with this sense of fragility...)

    Pagpikit ko ulit, pagdilat ko nama'y makikita ko ung scenario ng presentations... makikita ko ang karamihang nakaupo sa fountain, si julie at tj na naka-cravat, singing the seiko and nano themes... makikita ko tayo habang block hug... kita ko ulit sina wenz umiyak... sa isang madilim na sulok, andun yung mga nagyoyosi, umiiyak din... sa gitna, andun yung mga sumasayaw... i my eyes roam around with much interest in the apparitions that i apparently see... but when i get to the part i liked the most - i liked remembering the most - the scene just all... fades away. it just... fades.

    Naiiyak ako just thinking na i have no other choice but to let go of the memories... na all i can do to have everybody else together in a memorable place is to imagine them - the memories - to life...

    And i will sit there, confused whether to smile upon seeing images of you - hallucinations, yes - or to cry because they're pretty much all there is that i can hold onto as of now...

    Ewan ko - most probably, we shall meet again. Destiny ata 'toh. Pero na-trauma na ako sa destiny... i will find it hard to trust in it again...

    Pero this can't be anything else - anything less... something this beautiful isn't just some accident, randomly assigned by machine-processed Form 5's... it's... SERENDIPITY.

    Yes, serendipity, a fortunate accident. well, if it's serendipity indeed at work, i just wish it could happen again... and it better happen soon, because i'm starting to miss you bad.

    Really bad...