December 30, 2001

    Sa totoo lang, kagagaling ko lang sa Christmas Party ng YFC - tingnan niyo nga naman, AKO? May nalalaman rin pala akong YFC. Kahit papano naman, bago mag-bagong taon, mabuhay muli ang spiritual life ko.

    Alas-onse y medya na ako nakauwi - pero hindi ako galing sa isang ordinaryong night out. at alam yun ng mga magulang ko, which is basically the reason why pinapasok pa nila ako ng bahay kahit na ganung oras na ako umuwi. alam nilang hindi ako galing sa isang basta-bastang party lang - hindi ako galing sa isang typical na party ng mga teenagers na may inuman, may yosi - that is, among the  other things that make up their paranoia. alam nilang galing ako ng simbahan - which is true. alam nilang galing ako ng YFC Christmas Party. alam nilang nasa mabuti akong mga kamay sa loob ng higit anim na oras.

    Naisip ko... saan ba ako galing? In fairness, it was decent - the food was great (duh Kate, ang takaw mo talaga, puro pagkain na naman inisip mo), the worship session was great... ang saya ng jamming, ang saya kumain, ang saya ng exchange gift, kaso para sa akin, may kulang:

    Kayo.

    The sky was cloudless, and a bright full moon was shining. And at times, I caught myself counting the stars. Naalala ko sinabi ni Almi - ang stars, kapag binibilang, dumadami. Ang lamig pa rin ng hangin. Sa katangahan ko naman, hindi ako nakapagdala ng jacket... malay ko bang gagabihin pala kami. Nagkakatuwaan ang lahat... I'm not saying I didn't have fun - I did. Pero iba kasi ang feeling ng kasama sila... feel ko, I was on the outside, looking in. And what I see is something like us - yeba.

    Come to think of it, bahagyang kasalanan ko rin kung bakit ako napalayo - di ako madalas magpakita, at bawat prayer meeting, absent ako. I was too wrapped up in my own world - naging busy ako sa buhay, sa UP, sa inyo. Ni hindi ko nga alam na nagkaka-bonding-an na pala sila - I was somewhere far far away. They tried to reach me, but I simply wasn't there.

    And I don't regret that - because I was with you.

    And kanina... I was on the outside - just an observer. And I envied what I saw - people hugging and crying during the goodbye. Right before my very eyes, everybody else just seemed to belong... everybody else, EXCEPT me. I didn't belong, and it was my fault.

    But I didn't feel bad, really. I mean, I would've, but I knew something else - I knew I didn't belong there, I knew I belonged with you.

    Sometimes, I think there's still something we haven't done - of course, marami-rami na rin tayong napagdaanan... play practices, inuman, yosi sessions, bangagan sessions sa Carillon, kape kina Julie, Christmas party bilang mga bata, outing sa Fairview - and these events bonded us. We had those in common - and because of that, we belonged - to each other, to the block. Minsan nga, feeling na natin, we are responsible for each other - which is good. Quoting Cy, ang sarap pala ng feeling ng maraming minamahal at ng maraming nagmamahal sa yo. And that is so true.

    Sa loob ng sandaling panahon na magkakakilala tayo, napakialaman na natin halos lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ng isa't isa - andiyan ang mga trahedya ng buhay pag-ibig, ang mga kagaguhan, kalokohan, kamanyakan, kajologan... minsan, kung medyo seryoso, nadadamay sa usapan ang pamilya... mga dating kaibigang hanggang ngayon ay nagdudulot pa rin ng ligaya at sakit...

    Akala ko, kapag nagkaseryosohan na ang usapan, walang hindi napapawi ng isaw, ng yosi, ng kape, ng Swiss Miss, ng walang katapusang pagbabangagan at pag-uusap. Pero kanina lang, habang andun ako nakikikanta, nakikisayaw - habang hirap na hirap ako sa pagsubok na kahit sandali lang eh maramdaman kong kasama nila ako at kasama ko sila - naalala ko kayo, at na-realize ko na we lacked something else...

    Sana andun kayo - sana andun tayo. Ang sarap siguro maki-jamming sa inyo, habang nakikijamming sa Diyos. It's a kind of high that cannot be found in any other concert.

    Ewan ko, pero all of a sudden, it dawned upon me - bakit nga ba hindi pa tayo nagre-retreat? Or maybe it's just me and my Catholic school background... palibhasa nasanay na taon-taon, nagre-retreat. Wala lang, I figured na He's blessed me with you, and that it would make me extremely happy to bring you back to Him... wala lang, I feel that way. May mga bagay kasi na nailalabas lang sa isang pagkakataong ganito.

    I've been living in the dark, out in the cold for so long - hindi ako palasimba, hindi ako religious as in religious, alam niyo naman yun. Pero kasi... gusto ko rin namang maramdaman yung feeling na parang sagot ako ng Diyos, na sagot niya yung lahat ng pasakit sa buhay ko, na kahit anong mangyari I have Him, and that I don't have to fear losing people because I'd never lose Him, and that in him I'll never be alone... parang ang sarap, noh... na nasasabi mo talaga yung mga bagay na ganun, and wholeheartedly believing it at the same time...

    Gusto ko yung sinabi ni Cy - gusto ko ring mayakap ng Diyos.

    Pero as of the moment, I still haven't found what I've been looking for. And just in case you're wondering what exactly it is - I tell you,  I'm searching for GOD...

    Care to join me?